Τρίτη 31 Ιουλίου 2012
Τρίτη 24 Ιουλίου 2012
what can you learn from a book on natural selection when being severely sleep deprived
i am glad i do not get to be who i am going to be yet.
i am glad there are still times when existential crisis kicks in and i panic on how few books i have read, how few places i have been, and who i have not had in my life. it means i can still crave for things.
i haven't realy decided yet who exactly i want to be. i want to balance between extrovert and introvert, i want to be eccentric, weird, and i want to be quiet. i now realize i cannot be just one or two of these things. i am never going to be an adjective. i am going to be everything. and everyday i can be something new, i want to be the unpredictable element of my days and i want to get burnt out by life, if that is even possible.
i never really had a zest for life though. it is strange how i, a self approved and acknowledged nihilist has such unreasonable, if i may say so, outbreaks of 'wanting' . i guess, it is partly due to the fact that i get bored so quickly. anyway, no one will ever know.
i am going to brand my skin for the second time today. with the symbol of the earth.
yestertday i tried doing something i have so many times read about and found somewhat fascinating yet distrubingly difficult as it turns out, to meditate on a word. so i chose the word earth. i tried doing it on the beach under a big ass tree and its gradually but luckily, slowly, waning shade.
here's what came out, almost anyway
earth
earth
earth
ground
tree
soil
dirt.brown dirt
terrains and cliffs
roots in the ground.roots of trees. trees.ground
ground
ground
i am sitting on it.
rock. steady. solid. solid.
solid.hard. or more soft.
but hard.solid
earth earth.
worms, deep brown, solid.
earth.earth
deity, gaia. gods. twelve gods.
age of mythology.
and then, obviously, i sort of lost it. i don't think that's the point of maditation anyway. that's just 'i am lettin my brain go wild'.
i am glad there are still times when existential crisis kicks in and i panic on how few books i have read, how few places i have been, and who i have not had in my life. it means i can still crave for things.
i haven't realy decided yet who exactly i want to be. i want to balance between extrovert and introvert, i want to be eccentric, weird, and i want to be quiet. i now realize i cannot be just one or two of these things. i am never going to be an adjective. i am going to be everything. and everyday i can be something new, i want to be the unpredictable element of my days and i want to get burnt out by life, if that is even possible.
i never really had a zest for life though. it is strange how i, a self approved and acknowledged nihilist has such unreasonable, if i may say so, outbreaks of 'wanting' . i guess, it is partly due to the fact that i get bored so quickly. anyway, no one will ever know.
i am going to brand my skin for the second time today. with the symbol of the earth.
yestertday i tried doing something i have so many times read about and found somewhat fascinating yet distrubingly difficult as it turns out, to meditate on a word. so i chose the word earth. i tried doing it on the beach under a big ass tree and its gradually but luckily, slowly, waning shade.
here's what came out, almost anyway
earth
earth
earth
ground
tree
soil
dirt.brown dirt
terrains and cliffs
roots in the ground.roots of trees. trees.ground
ground
ground
i am sitting on it.
rock. steady. solid. solid.
solid.hard. or more soft.
but hard.solid
earth earth.
worms, deep brown, solid.
earth.earth
deity, gaia. gods. twelve gods.
age of mythology.
and then, obviously, i sort of lost it. i don't think that's the point of maditation anyway. that's just 'i am lettin my brain go wild'.
Κυριακή 22 Ιουλίου 2012
my fate is a flying cocroach
okay. it might have been a good idea at first.
one week in the legendary summer vacation of 2012 and already half the animal kingdom has unleashed an attack on us, one bruised ass, and 24 hours of sleeplessness no less.
there are days at the end of which i have to think really hard to recollect all the places we have been to. we wake up, cook poorly anything that can be made out of half a chicken wing and rice, we start off our nocturnal expeditions just the three of us intending only on having one drink and end up 7 hours later with four more people after having marvelled at greek food and many more drinks than one would ever care to count. crazy bus rides to and from archaelogical sites where we stick out like greeks in a tavern between the seas of fair skinned tourists. losing our way under the unforgiving burning sun and talking with suspiciously kind strangers. my friend has this ridiculous white knit big hat that looks like a lame european cousin of a sombrero that screams 'tourist', tottaly misleading the locals, only for when they realise we are greek to get overexcited and treat us like a rarity. people are either bored or genuinly kind, asking us where we come from and what brings us here. little did they know that their beloved island was just as well as anywhere else that included free housing.
we met two people literally from the exact opposite ends of the country, another one that studies in Rumania and another that smokes tobacco mixed with weed all day long, from dusk till dawn. he is the one that taught us not to bother sleeping after 4 am if he have to be up by 11 am. so this is what we are trying out, even though it is not working as well for all three of us.
still, i cannot sleep.
of course, i have had those god awful moments when everything and everyone sets your teeth on edge and makes you want to growl menacingly at the universe, but it is a reasonable price to pay. i think.. it is just that when everyone retells the story of their lives they always tiptoe around the shitty stuff, but not i, i am brutal with my life and i like to clarify that even if you are on a road trip to heaven, you are inevitably going to get smacked by the devil's tail at least once. but every choice is in the end yours and all the breaths you take are voluntary.
one week in the legendary summer vacation of 2012 and already half the animal kingdom has unleashed an attack on us, one bruised ass, and 24 hours of sleeplessness no less.
there are days at the end of which i have to think really hard to recollect all the places we have been to. we wake up, cook poorly anything that can be made out of half a chicken wing and rice, we start off our nocturnal expeditions just the three of us intending only on having one drink and end up 7 hours later with four more people after having marvelled at greek food and many more drinks than one would ever care to count. crazy bus rides to and from archaelogical sites where we stick out like greeks in a tavern between the seas of fair skinned tourists. losing our way under the unforgiving burning sun and talking with suspiciously kind strangers. my friend has this ridiculous white knit big hat that looks like a lame european cousin of a sombrero that screams 'tourist', tottaly misleading the locals, only for when they realise we are greek to get overexcited and treat us like a rarity. people are either bored or genuinly kind, asking us where we come from and what brings us here. little did they know that their beloved island was just as well as anywhere else that included free housing.
we met two people literally from the exact opposite ends of the country, another one that studies in Rumania and another that smokes tobacco mixed with weed all day long, from dusk till dawn. he is the one that taught us not to bother sleeping after 4 am if he have to be up by 11 am. so this is what we are trying out, even though it is not working as well for all three of us.
still, i cannot sleep.
of course, i have had those god awful moments when everything and everyone sets your teeth on edge and makes you want to growl menacingly at the universe, but it is a reasonable price to pay. i think.. it is just that when everyone retells the story of their lives they always tiptoe around the shitty stuff, but not i, i am brutal with my life and i like to clarify that even if you are on a road trip to heaven, you are inevitably going to get smacked by the devil's tail at least once. but every choice is in the end yours and all the breaths you take are voluntary.
Τετάρτη 18 Ιουλίου 2012
i should start to think!
i hate hate hate summer. for someone born in Greece, yeah, that's just wrong, but in this heat i doubt anyone on the face of the earth would want to be where i am.
right now i am breaking all my psychologist's rules by staying home when my friends are out. i am living in a three room-ready to rot from the filth and to collapse from the ages- apartment in Crete with four other people, two of them boys, and my word! boys are dirty. yup.there i said it. i had to complain somewhere and here it is.
it is fun though. we wake up everyday at 3 o'clock and we try to cook anything remotely edible while doing absolutely nothing at all. the boys steal our only source of airconditioning and we sit around doing our nails and bitching about the heat. ah, the days. yes. but today i chose not to force myself into being kind and cheerful at a place i do not want to be. i said, no thanks, i will stay home and abuse the laptop at hand. the other day me and two of my friends had a conversation about people. they said that at times they actually went out alone, with the excuse of shopping or something, just to see people, because other people, in a mall or in the street, made their day. i of course could never understand what that must feel like. i embrace the motto of my dear friend Sartre, that hell is others.
a while ago i was watching a video on TED about introverts and all the while i was screaming on the inside "yes! you go sister!" to the woman talking. she was saying that simply some people are different than others and can function in different environments than others, without that meaning that this is a wrong or peculiar thing to do. yesterday i explained to my friends that these days were naturally considered 'a vacation' and 'a time off' but that i also was looking forward to the time i would spend alone back home, and that that time would actually be the time that i rest. not always, but occasionally, it takes some effort for me to be with people, even my best friends, and to be chatty and 'social'. it is ridiculous how many times that has been considered as rude or even depressive to others. i do not prefer others to my friends. i prefer no one. i can understand how such a behaviour can be deemed antisocial , but, come on, have you taken a look lately at our society? why on earth should i be pro that?
i am simply tired of going out and doing nothing. i do not need company in staying idle or in drinking a beer or in listening to music. i do appreciate sharing my passion, whether that is music or even drinking, with other people but does that apply to any people? people go to clubs to listen to music and dance and be with friends.as a matter of fact, a friend of mine once told me that she loves the moment when in the club plays a song that everyone knows and everyone starts singing along and dancing. i do not have to go to a club, i can wear my sweats and ask a friend over, get drunk on cheap wine and dance and sing all night long to any kind of music i want, yes, even metal.
clearly, this kind of things are not my cup of tea but still i feel odd. i feel like i am denying my friends or somehting and even though it is silly it will probably take some time getting used to it. from both sides.
i am an introvert, and i am not afraid anymore to say 'no' to certain things. sometimes i am just better off in my own head. it's a dangerous but comfortable place to be, since not even my own skin is comfortable sometimes.
i fear i might melt from the heat.
right now i am breaking all my psychologist's rules by staying home when my friends are out. i am living in a three room-ready to rot from the filth and to collapse from the ages- apartment in Crete with four other people, two of them boys, and my word! boys are dirty. yup.there i said it. i had to complain somewhere and here it is.
it is fun though. we wake up everyday at 3 o'clock and we try to cook anything remotely edible while doing absolutely nothing at all. the boys steal our only source of airconditioning and we sit around doing our nails and bitching about the heat. ah, the days. yes. but today i chose not to force myself into being kind and cheerful at a place i do not want to be. i said, no thanks, i will stay home and abuse the laptop at hand. the other day me and two of my friends had a conversation about people. they said that at times they actually went out alone, with the excuse of shopping or something, just to see people, because other people, in a mall or in the street, made their day. i of course could never understand what that must feel like. i embrace the motto of my dear friend Sartre, that hell is others.
a while ago i was watching a video on TED about introverts and all the while i was screaming on the inside "yes! you go sister!" to the woman talking. she was saying that simply some people are different than others and can function in different environments than others, without that meaning that this is a wrong or peculiar thing to do. yesterday i explained to my friends that these days were naturally considered 'a vacation' and 'a time off' but that i also was looking forward to the time i would spend alone back home, and that that time would actually be the time that i rest. not always, but occasionally, it takes some effort for me to be with people, even my best friends, and to be chatty and 'social'. it is ridiculous how many times that has been considered as rude or even depressive to others. i do not prefer others to my friends. i prefer no one. i can understand how such a behaviour can be deemed antisocial , but, come on, have you taken a look lately at our society? why on earth should i be pro that?
i am simply tired of going out and doing nothing. i do not need company in staying idle or in drinking a beer or in listening to music. i do appreciate sharing my passion, whether that is music or even drinking, with other people but does that apply to any people? people go to clubs to listen to music and dance and be with friends.as a matter of fact, a friend of mine once told me that she loves the moment when in the club plays a song that everyone knows and everyone starts singing along and dancing. i do not have to go to a club, i can wear my sweats and ask a friend over, get drunk on cheap wine and dance and sing all night long to any kind of music i want, yes, even metal.
clearly, this kind of things are not my cup of tea but still i feel odd. i feel like i am denying my friends or somehting and even though it is silly it will probably take some time getting used to it. from both sides.
i am an introvert, and i am not afraid anymore to say 'no' to certain things. sometimes i am just better off in my own head. it's a dangerous but comfortable place to be, since not even my own skin is comfortable sometimes.
i fear i might melt from the heat.
Σάββατο 14 Ιουλίου 2012
halcyon days
i am starting to believe that there is something seriously twisted in the way i relish my heartbreak.
yes, as it so happens, it is grieving period here and i have to find a way to bandage my scars once more and keep on waking up every day without going back to bed at night bitter.
basically my days include,
F.R.I.E.N.D.S all over again (this series never ever gets old for me),
books, big books. purchasing them, looking at them, craving their knowledge, not quite reading them though,
a crazy daily routine that start at 4 p.m. when i wake up and ends at 7 a.m. when i go to sleep reluctantly,
ice cubes,
lots of emails, i get at leas thirty email updates per day, it is insane,
and reading stuff on the internet, always ending up reading about art.
and it is awesome.
however, all this will eventually have to stop tomorrow as i am finaly leaving this oven that i call Athens and going to one of the most unique places in Greece, Crete. I have only gotten the chance to know the island Crete the last two years through my brother who now lives there but it is a place in so many ways wonderfull, it has history, it has natural beauty and it has an authentic spirit, it is as if sometimes it could be a place on its own, not in accordance with the rest of Greece. So, two weeks in two different cities of Crete with two of the most valued people in my life and a ridiculously low budget that we have to live on- even though i do not think we will-. Times like this i wish i had a really really smal laptop or something so that i could blog constantly but insted i will have to make do with my moleskine notebook. And even though i adore writing in the ol' traditional way and scribbling down random remarks in the margins, the part that gets me off is the transportation of the writings into the blog afterwards. However this is a great way of rereading them all and making corrections and such, as well as merging the really short and random parts with the bigger ones and making a more coherent result out of them.
today is the last of my 'goodbye for the rest of our lives' sessions, with people from my school i will propably never see again. it is not as much psychologically strenous as i thought it would be, but that's partly because it has not dawned on me yet that the biggest chapter of my life so far, school, is over. ha! i do not want to be there when i realise it!
so, that's that.
yes, as it so happens, it is grieving period here and i have to find a way to bandage my scars once more and keep on waking up every day without going back to bed at night bitter.
basically my days include,
F.R.I.E.N.D.S all over again (this series never ever gets old for me),
books, big books. purchasing them, looking at them, craving their knowledge, not quite reading them though,
a crazy daily routine that start at 4 p.m. when i wake up and ends at 7 a.m. when i go to sleep reluctantly,
ice cubes,
lots of emails, i get at leas thirty email updates per day, it is insane,
and reading stuff on the internet, always ending up reading about art.
and it is awesome.
however, all this will eventually have to stop tomorrow as i am finaly leaving this oven that i call Athens and going to one of the most unique places in Greece, Crete. I have only gotten the chance to know the island Crete the last two years through my brother who now lives there but it is a place in so many ways wonderfull, it has history, it has natural beauty and it has an authentic spirit, it is as if sometimes it could be a place on its own, not in accordance with the rest of Greece. So, two weeks in two different cities of Crete with two of the most valued people in my life and a ridiculously low budget that we have to live on- even though i do not think we will-. Times like this i wish i had a really really smal laptop or something so that i could blog constantly but insted i will have to make do with my moleskine notebook. And even though i adore writing in the ol' traditional way and scribbling down random remarks in the margins, the part that gets me off is the transportation of the writings into the blog afterwards. However this is a great way of rereading them all and making corrections and such, as well as merging the really short and random parts with the bigger ones and making a more coherent result out of them.
today is the last of my 'goodbye for the rest of our lives' sessions, with people from my school i will propably never see again. it is not as much psychologically strenous as i thought it would be, but that's partly because it has not dawned on me yet that the biggest chapter of my life so far, school, is over. ha! i do not want to be there when i realise it!
so, that's that.
finire cosi? finire cosi?
ηλιακά ταξίδια όσα η χαρακωμένη μνήμη μου,
δεν σε θυμάμαι, δεν θέλω να θυμάμαι τίποτα.
συλλέγω λάμπες στο γραφείο μου, κάποιες φορές φοβάμαι θανάσιμα το σκοτάδι,
και τις ανοιγοκλείνω. ένα δευτερόλεπτο σιγής και νύχτας, και πάλι ορατά σχήματα και χρωματικά παιχνίδια του αριστερού ματιού μου
ίσως ποτέ δεν εγκατέλειψα αυτό το σπίτι.
όλοι οι άλλοι όμως, όντως, τελικά φύγαν.
μου χάρισαν τα άδεια τους δωμάτια και τώρα υποτίθεται κοιμάμαι χωρίς ρούχα
και που κλείνω το παράθυρο, η κουρτίνα κοντά στην εγκοπή ακόμη χορεύει.
υπέφερα τόσα πολλά χωρίς εσένα, ενώ το μόνο που θα έκανε ποτέ τα δάκρυα ελαφρύτερα θα ήσουν εσύ.
είσαι χαμένη. είσαι χαμένη. είσαι χαμένη
ο,τι και να κάνεις
όπου και να τρέξεις
μου ανήκεις.
πάνω από το κεφάλι σου πάντα κρέμεται ο άτυχος αριθμός που δεν χωράει το χαρτί, και η άδεια θέση σε ένα σαπιοκάραβο που πλέει προς το κάπου. τι διαλέγεις?
ναι, ξέρω.
δεν σε θυμάμαι, δεν θέλω να θυμάμαι τίποτα.
συλλέγω λάμπες στο γραφείο μου, κάποιες φορές φοβάμαι θανάσιμα το σκοτάδι,
και τις ανοιγοκλείνω. ένα δευτερόλεπτο σιγής και νύχτας, και πάλι ορατά σχήματα και χρωματικά παιχνίδια του αριστερού ματιού μου
ίσως ποτέ δεν εγκατέλειψα αυτό το σπίτι.
όλοι οι άλλοι όμως, όντως, τελικά φύγαν.
μου χάρισαν τα άδεια τους δωμάτια και τώρα υποτίθεται κοιμάμαι χωρίς ρούχα
και που κλείνω το παράθυρο, η κουρτίνα κοντά στην εγκοπή ακόμη χορεύει.
υπέφερα τόσα πολλά χωρίς εσένα, ενώ το μόνο που θα έκανε ποτέ τα δάκρυα ελαφρύτερα θα ήσουν εσύ.
είσαι χαμένη. είσαι χαμένη. είσαι χαμένη
ο,τι και να κάνεις
όπου και να τρέξεις
μου ανήκεις.
πάνω από το κεφάλι σου πάντα κρέμεται ο άτυχος αριθμός που δεν χωράει το χαρτί, και η άδεια θέση σε ένα σαπιοκάραβο που πλέει προς το κάπου. τι διαλέγεις?
ναι, ξέρω.
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