Πέμπτη, 6 Σεπτεμβρίου 2012

if you feel the need to shout, shout.

this is what they call closure.
from what i can say, it is a one person job and everone will get in your way while you struggle for it, following a kind of sick cosmic joke.
so yes, the way it works is that you pretty much wake up one day and have a revelation, or maybe just something less heavy, a thought maybe, that makes you feel more agreeable with how things are.
'it is okay'.
some days i wake up and even when i know that everything is a very unpleasant shade of shit i say 'fine'.
maybe is just exhaustion, and suddenly it dawns on me how weary i have grown overanalyzing my problems and every little detail that goes wrong and i just give up. but i guess that is the best anyone can hope for, that 'fine' , the shrugg of the shoulders and the ease with which you can then turn your head around and continue doing whatever else meaningless thing you were doing before.
no one is going to hold your hand and help you cross to the other side, because really no one can guide your heart and your mind better than yourself. it will only baffle you if too many voices get in your head. the only voices that belong in there are your own and your demon's and ghosts. yes, you consult them too. the ghosts i mean.

i have proven to myself once more that it is actually much harder than i thought to find what you want, and to find yourself inspite of everyone else's hold in your life. because before the 'revelation' of the closure comes the day when you wake up and realize that not only you do not know your own insides, but that your insides are all over the place and they don't obey you.

for from what i know, no ammount of therapy and no psychanalyst, no matter how talented, can erase certain things and memories. certain feelings that even forty years later will stab you as poignantly as they did the very first time. and that is 'fine'. i think.. 

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