all flesh is grass

i can hear the seagulls from my flat.
and it always, literally always rains here. not really rain, just enough so that you know that the sky is reacting.
i bought a plant and i called it Steven. its a he now.
and i have to return everyday to a room that is not mine, to a bed that isn't mine, to a building full of strangers and all my people elsewhere, where is not of importance, as long as it is not here.
packing up all my things back in my huge suitcases is way too easy an option to not even consider it.
i really, really want to be home. not go home. just feel at home. i want to stop feeling so alone.
i have friends here. before i even stepped foot on this island i had a friend, now i have two, i have many more acquintances and i have a great number of people at my disposal who seem more than happy to help me. i want none of them.
i always listen to my music and i hide behind the antisocial message my earphones suggest but, to my dissapointment really, i want people. i thought i would never, i thought i was the queen of loneliness and antisocialism, and rightfully so ,so far at least.
point is, i don't know yet if i don't want to be that. i mean, now, i do. it seems easier to be the first one to reject others, than others rejecting you first.  being antisocial just keeps you away from harm's way. it keeps you away form social let down. you know it, people are scum, involving yourself of course, but they are. social relationships is no sport to take up. it is not recommended in any case.
i guess it will fade away, and i will be as happy as ever to be alone.
it is just painfully ironic, of all the people that i have ever met, i dispised company the most. and now i am the one panicking at its absence.
 i have too many books to read.
human mind is so stupid. if you like doing something, the moment it becomes an obligation you will hate the crap out of it.
that's not looking good.
i haven't been this dispirited for a long long time. i need my psychologists back or my valium. or something. no, not someone, i am not falling for that again.