she asked me if i was alright and i told her i was, she believed me and we got drunk on awful wine and all kinds of smoke.

i picked up my paper, focused on the beautiful sound of the thunder, balanced my glass on my knee and smoked my cigarette, i thought of you and for half an hour i couldn't get the thought of your hands on me out of my head. i exhaled and went to sleep but i haven't slept for days so i figured i forgot how to shut my eyes properly and just kept on pretending to read.
i became beautiful and i wore my confidence, did my hair and put on lipstick, went out and hoped that if i'm drunk i will be happy, and i might have been, for a minute, but the boy sitting next to me reminded me of you, and every time he talked i had to try too hard to listen.

it is such a cold day today

but everything is still beautiful 
and i convinced myself after inventing some excuses that this is bearable and that the last year of my life hasn't been a vain experiment, and all the blood that is shed is shed for some reason
so i forgave you and you will never know just how

i just want to sleep through new year's eve and new year's day, not realise that i suddenly got somewhat older and try to look the same


i don't know how i am supposed to feel for you anymore

"we all have our strange ways of coping, or failing to cope"

                 

i am strong, love is evil

this is not normal

                   

i wish i had a more celibate mouth

i crossed my legs and relaxed my shoulders, rested my hands, clasped, on my lap and threw my head back and closed my eyes. My hair fell behind my ears and the weight of my dad's sunglasses recalibrated further higher up my nose. i focused on the warmth of the sun on my face, and it felt good. it felt glorious but only because i meant for it to feel that way. i think i may have felt beautiful for a second. and then i realised i was glad. i was glad and somewhat relieved i wasn't numb. i could feel. something else besides the disgusting shade of dissapointed longing, loneliness and worhtlesness for a change.
i took out my pen and wrote down the words, i am not numb. and thought i believed in nothing.
now i cannot possibly revel on the wonder our young lives hold, no matter how trully young and supposedly healthy in spirit we are.
i can just exist and i can allow everything else to exist around me as well.
and it all is still here. i am sad, and i am happy, and i am once more glad that i cannot put a label on my feelings. i am so tired. it's not a good exhaustion. it's just weakness, i am exhausted and beaten down, i can feel my body is broken and i hear my lungs rotting and my heart missing beats now and then.
my shoulders are uncontrollable and now i am shaking, and it hurts. it just hurts in the end.

tombs, spooky old woods, and now you see

i haven't tided up my room in two months
i haven't read any of my emails
every week i buy newspapers i don't read
i haven't slept well in a month
i only eat spaghetti
i forget to drink water
i have three empty shampoo bottles in my bathroom 
my nails look horrid
my hair almost even worse
i don't remember what i have been reading about all day
i cannot talk to people for more than half an hour
i feel physically sick

and i don't feel fine at all

quit waiting for a revolution. it's you.