I’ve gotten high and I have sung along psychedelic songs, shouting and whispering, and I have almost vomited my heart out, and now I lay on my dirty sheets and I cry for loves that are not mine. You are there. Everyone is there. Everyone I can think of that has a share in my tears is now here, and I am no longer alone, I am loved and not alone. Not alone. I am cold, and my cheeks are burning. I am not talking to you, no, I am talking to the universe and I am trying to sing myself to sleep and I rock my body back and forth but that just makes it worse, and I have bugs in my head, worms and tidal waves, jungles, ugly sculptures. But I cannot understand why for a second this feels good, and all feels beautiful and in an unorthodox way peaceful, and all there is now is me, and I don’ feel lost anymore, I am drowning in this weird occurrence of damaged conscience and misguided intentions.
I have had a wonderful day, I laughed and I thought I was whole, because I realized I wanted to wake up tomorrow. And I don’t understand what went wrong. Consequently I shut tighter my eyes, turn on my side and I prepare to pass out; I don’t know what I am crying for. I don’t think I cry properly, this is pathetic, and scary; I don’t cry, I am hyperventilating, and moaning from physical pain, I can actually feel the marrow in my bones twirling and trying to leak out, boiling and then evaporating.
My mind is irreversibly twisted. I can think of him, and then my thoughts will wonder on her, and then everyone I ever knew but never really understood how I got to know them, and that’s torture; I can’t control the neurons in my brain, I can’t think of anything else, we are all ideas in a sealed box trampling down an endless stair, we fall on each other, hit violently the walls of the box and then ricochet again off each other, hold hands and try not to hurt anyone or ourselve. I snap out of this mental nightmare and I realize I am in public; I cannot fold like a piece of paper and hide under a desk. I imagine it’s late, now it’s dark outside and I am alone, or with none of them, and I can do that, I can whimper like I just got injured and suddenly, I feel better. I feel I can react to what is happening to me and I can abolish poison in the form of tears. And then, I go numb.