she asked me if i was alright and i told her i was, she believed me and we got drunk on awful wine and all kinds of smoke.

i picked up my paper, focused on the beautiful sound of the thunder, balanced my glass on my knee and smoked my cigarette, i thought of you and for half an hour i couldn't get the thought of your hands on me out of my head. i exhaled and went to sleep but i haven't slept for days so i figured i forgot how to shut my eyes properly and just kept on pretending to read.
i became beautiful and i wore my confidence, did my hair and put on lipstick, went out and hoped that if i'm drunk i will be happy, and i might have been, for a minute, but the boy sitting next to me reminded me of you, and every time he talked i had to try too hard to listen.

it is such a cold day today

but everything is still beautiful 
and i convinced myself after inventing some excuses that this is bearable and that the last year of my life hasn't been a vain experiment, and all the blood that is shed is shed for some reason
so i forgave you and you will never know just how

i just want to sleep through new year's eve and new year's day, not realise that i suddenly got somewhat older and try to look the same


i don't know how i am supposed to feel for you anymore