dare me to stop

i am sorry, i am lost. and forever will be.

there are those days when you wake up, and the minute you recollect your R.E.M. struck mind, you know it is going to be an unpleasant day. uncomfortable more likely. and all you can do is wait for it to come. wait for something someone says, something you say or do, or the most irrelevant insipid little detail that will make you feel genuinly disgusted by the fact that you have to be alive to experience this.
After having half a lifetime of those days, and half only because i am practically half a human barely having two decades of carbon footprint left on this earth, i have finally reached the victorious moment of being able to express the unexpressable. You want to peel off your own skin.
Because it doesn't fit you, it is too tight or too baggy, and you can't possibly hope to antagonize the other cool kids who wear their skins oh so perfectly, like their parents had them tailor made before they were even born and continued to go out of their way just to make their kids after the image fitting for their skins.
And yes, of course i don't even know what i am talking about. No one does, what did you think?

And then there is the hatred.
You hate yourself, the way your own stupid head sits on your head, you hate everyone that gets in the way of your view, everyone who talks to you.
You are even hating the fact that you are hating everything else in the first place.
Really though, it is just envy.
People talk to you about anything, you don't care, you only want to talk about yourself. you want to whimper a little about how unjust life has been to you, how much of a mistreated but kind and awesome person you really are, how everyone just should adore you, but at the same time about how superior you are that you don't adore anyone.

Wake up self, yes, you are a devilish parasite living in human form, but don't fool yourself, you are anything but human.
However, do not fret and do not wallow, you are not the only one.Everyone is the same.
What is the worst you think about yourself? That is exactly what you are.
What is the worst you can think about others? That is exactly what they are.


So, unleash baby!
If hatefull and bitter is what you are going to be you might as well be honest about it.


The most nightmarish thing though is that it works like a boomerang. and as strong the hit is when you unleash it as strong it is goint to be when it is unleashed upon you. It is not divinde intervention, good grief! no. It is just that it is all inside you. It is as if your skin, the membrane of your every cell, your skull are 'all kinds of destructive substances and methods'-proof. And you can imagine what happens when a bomb explodes in the little quarters of your heart.