six cold feet

sleeping at the crack of dawn, i woke up 5 minutes before the time i should have been 30 minutes away, i needed my mum, i turned around and i think i started crying. i got up when i no longer knew what the word time meant and started feeling sorry for myself. i called my mum, she attacked all my integrity and i felt like an empty glass, i started crying again, this time for real, i couldn't get out of my head i had dreamed about a man i have never seen, i knew him, i do know him, i just had manufactured his face in my dream and i would marry him, but in the end not, i cannot remember why. i got up, i said i won't mind the cold today, i started walking, the puke in the carpet still smells awful and i am in a bet with myself to see when someone will clean it.
i called and said, i need, need to come back, i cannot make it here, you will see, you will i am not good for this, am not as smart as they need me to be, and i will fail ,you know, you know, i don't like to fail, i rather anything else, i don't
yeah, darling, pitty yourself a little more.
who's now calling, is my dad, he is drunk and he is crying, he tries to light a smoke, and says take care of yourself, we never give up, you can come back in the summer, just one week in and giving up is not who we are, he couldn't light the cigarette, he just gestured around with it and i couldn't see him, his hands were on his face, and i had caused all that.
i had left and taken all the soul anyone has ever had for me and broke it and sold it and now i am left with none, and i beg and i act like a slave when people are not around, and i broke them as well, they have nothing, no coins no pictures no spirit and no hope for they know, she knows, she said, yeah but you're always sad, and i started laughing because i never realised she knew that and she did, and i wasn't nearly as bulletproof as i thought i was. she always had bullets and i gave the barell permission. the brain is a peculiar jellow, it is not ugly, it is uninteresting and i expected it to be like a rainbow but it isn't, and the grey matter isn't after all at all what matters. i lit on fire something in the kitchen, thankfully did not think much of it, and my neighbours were giving each other haircuts in front of the freezer. and i felt like an idiot, like an empty sad little child, when you see me laughing, am laughing just to keep from crying.