Τρίτη, 24 Ιουλίου 2012

what can you learn from a book on natural selection when being severely sleep deprived

i am glad i do not get to be who i am going to be yet.
i am glad there are still times when existential crisis kicks in and i panic on how few books i have read, how few places i have been, and who i have not had in my life. it means i can still crave for things.
i haven't realy decided yet who exactly i want to be. i want to balance between extrovert and introvert, i want to be eccentric, weird, and i want to be quiet. i now realize i cannot be just one or two of these things. i am never going to be an adjective. i am going to be everything. and everyday i can be something new, i want to be the unpredictable element of my days and i want to get burnt out by life, if that is even possible.
i never really had a zest for life though. it is strange how i, a self approved and acknowledged nihilist has such unreasonable, if i may say so, outbreaks of 'wanting' . i guess, it is partly due to the fact that i get bored so quickly. anyway, no one will ever know.

i am going to brand my skin for the second time today. with the symbol of the earth.
yestertday i tried doing something i have so many times read about and found somewhat fascinating yet distrubingly difficult as it turns out, to meditate on a word. so i chose the word earth. i tried doing it on the beach under a big ass tree and its gradually but luckily, slowly, waning shade.
here's what came out, almost anyway
earth
earth
earth
ground
tree
soil
dirt.brown dirt
terrains and cliffs
roots in the ground.roots of trees. trees.ground
ground
ground
i am sitting on it.
rock. steady. solid. solid.
solid.hard. or more soft.
but hard.solid
earth earth.
 worms, deep brown, solid.
earth.earth
deity, gaia. gods. twelve gods.
age of mythology.


and then, obviously, i sort of lost it. i don't think that's the point of maditation anyway. that's just 'i am lettin my brain go wild'.


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