i am glad i do not get to be who i am going to be yet.
i am glad there are still times when existential crisis kicks in and i panic on how few books i have read, how few places i have been, and who i have not had in my life. it means i can still crave for things.
i haven't realy decided yet who exactly i want to be. i want to balance between extrovert and introvert, i want to be eccentric, weird, and i want to be quiet. i now realize i cannot be just one or two of these things. i am never going to be an adjective. i am going to be everything. and everyday i can be something new, i want to be the unpredictable element of my days and i want to get burnt out by life, if that is even possible.
i never really had a zest for life though. it is strange how i, a self approved and acknowledged nihilist has such unreasonable, if i may say so, outbreaks of 'wanting' . i guess, it is partly due to the fact that i get bored so quickly. anyway, no one will ever know.
i am going to brand my skin for the second time today. with the symbol of the earth.
yestertday i tried doing something i have so many times read about and found somewhat fascinating yet distrubingly difficult as it turns out, to meditate on a word. so i chose the word earth. i tried doing it on the beach under a big ass tree and its gradually but luckily, slowly, waning shade.
here's what came out, almost anyway
terrains and cliffs
roots in the ground.roots of trees. trees.ground
i am sitting on it.
rock. steady. solid. solid.
solid.hard. or more soft.
worms, deep brown, solid.
deity, gaia. gods. twelve gods.
age of mythology.
and then, obviously, i sort of lost it. i don't think that's the point of maditation anyway. that's just 'i am lettin my brain go wild'.